Today after getting a blood test I realized that I have had Typhoid Fever for over a month now, which explains the constant fever, dizziness, and bodily weakness along with diarrhea that I have been having. I ask that you would please put my physical health in prayer, because in a few short months I have had Dengue Fever, a blood infection that led to about a dozen open sores on my body, several flu-like bugs, and now Typhoid. I am also still recovering from the severe insomnia I had for over a year. Pray that the Lord would grant me energy and good health to fulfill His will and, if not, that He may still give me the joy and perseverance to do so in sickness. Please also pray for Darwin, Jenae, and our six kids (plus homeschool students and other students of mine from a local school), as my not having good health affects them as well. Thank you!
All posts by jenniferzillycanales
A Rescue Shop Within a Yard of Hell
His fingernails are really long. Offer him your fingernail clippers.
I smiled politely as I gave him a plastic cup of water and a homemade piece of bread, turning to return to my six homeschool students (three of our own and three kids from the local community) who would be waiting for me in the other building.
Offer him your fingernail clippers.
As I walked across our grassy, pebbly lawn from Jenae’s porch to our Education House that also serves as a place to receive kids from the community, God’s voice hovered over my thoughts like a heavy whisper.
I turned for the front door of the Education House, walking past the living room to our small one-room classroom where we give academic classes three days a week and where Darwin offers music and choir lessons to roughly 20 kids every week. I would get the whiteboard ready for the kids’ next assignment before they all came piling in after recess. I reached for one of the whiteboard markers, my mind trying to ignore God’s command, focusing instead on fractions and percentages, what I would be writing on the board.
The clippers. Go to him. Now.
Before my marker even made contact with the whiteboard, I abruptly set it down, my little red-faced inner-me shouting Ok! Fine, reluctantly choosing to die in favor of a higher command.
I then walked double-time from the Education House to our home next door – The kids need to be coming in from recess right now! This was definitely not on my schedule. I already unlocked the front gate during school hours and let him in, which I really didn’t want to do, and I even gave him a snack and a drink. Very kind of me, obedient even. Now this?
I rummaged around the chaos on top of my dresser through receipts, cough syrups and bobby pins until I found our one pair of fingernail clippers that we all share. I then briskly walked the couple hundred yards across our fenced-in property past the Education House then the community kitchen/dining room until I reached Jenae’s porch where Javier, a 15-year-old kid from the local community, sat in the wooden rocking chair exactly where I had left him only a few minutes prior.
I thought in protest This is gonna be weird and extended my arm, smiling an awkward smile again, a sort of please-forgive-me-and-accept-the-compassion-of-Christ-that-I-am-now-allowing-to-move-through-me and said, “I noticed that your fingernails are really long. If you want to cut them, you can use my clippers.”
He looked surprised, as I knew he would. I, too, felt surprised by my action. Afterall, we had not exactly been on each other’s ‘good list’ after some sleepless nights and cranky days that led to harsh, abrupt actions on my part toward him. Plus he had asked our eldest daughter to be his girlfriend behind our backs, which didn’t do much for my desire to keep him out of our home. He had a knack for showing up at our gate at inconvenient times and, for me, in inconvenient ways.
Javier is a lost boy, a kid who only owns one outfit and who lives with his grandma because his parents did not fulfill their duties towards him. Left home or got kicked out because of an abusive step-dad, or something along those lines. He can’t read even though he was in fifth grade at some point. He is disrespectful and tried to touch my daughter under the water in the local swimming pool. The perfect candidate to fall into drug-trafficking or gangs.
This lost boy with long fingernails and dirty clothes gave his life to Christ recently at our home after our dear sister Jenae spent countless hours reaching out to him and loving him the way that Christ calls us to love the lost.
This story and a few others like it were beating across my mind like rain several days ago as we gathered with our faith community in our dining room, all of us sitting in an oblong circle/square. With majestic mountains shielding the backside of our property, visible from where we were sitting, I shared excitedly: “I am content because I know that God is doing something here, even in spite of us, in spite of me. He is truly transforming people – me included! – and He is allowing us to see a bigger vision that just our six kids: lost kids in the community who are finding Hope and Life here.” I repeat, laughing: “Even in spite of us, He is moving here. Even though sometimes Darwin, Jenae and I have miscommunications or disagreements or I am in a bad mood or haven’t slept well, God is doing a work here. I can see it.”
There is a quote by C.T. Studd that says, “Some wish to live within the sound of church or chapel bell. I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of hell.” By God’s grace and design, our home is becoming just that. Lost boys and girls – on the fringes of society, some forgotten by their own families, many who cannot read or write, who spend their days wandering around gravel roads, killing birds and throwing stones, are coming to our gate looking for something.
Sometimes it ends up being a rowdy afternoon of full-out Cops and Robbers, fifteen or so kids and teenagers sprinting wildly around our property, and sometimes it is a group of a dozen kids sitting on our porch to hear testimonies of God’s grace in the world. Sometimes it is choir practice, and sometimes it is sharing our food with our malnourished neighbors who are way too small for their age. Sometimes we have adequate time and energy to plan how to receive them well, and on other days it seems like everything else has to be put on hold in order to be even peripherally present to the lives God has placed at our front gate. Sometimes there are triumphs, like when someone decides to give their life to Christ or a breakthrough is made, and sometimes the kids just lie and steal from us and make too much noise. Sometimes we feel compassionate, and sometimes we just are out of obedience to our compassionate Father.
But God is doing something here, even in spite of us. I can see it in our 14-year-old son Brayan’s transformation from an angry, scared boy orphaned by his father and abandoned by his mother to a gracious, helpful young man who has found love in the family of Christ. I can see it in the redemption God is orchestrating between Himself and many lost boys and girls who have come to know Him. I can see it in my husband, who daily is being formed more and more into a man after God’s own heart, a father to the fatherless. I can see it in Marina, a 14-year-old homeschool student who is learning how to read for the first time, who used to carry a spirit of invisibility, fading too easily into the background, who now knows her Savior and has light in her eyes, who now runs and plays. I can see it in myself, this selfish little girl who grew up in dysfunctional luxury, who for the first time is learning what it really means to allow the Good Shepherd to move through her in spite of herself.
In this rescue shop within a yard of Hell, I feel as though perhaps I am rescued just as frequently if not more so than the lost boys and girls who wander up the long, isolated path to our front gate. My Father has stationed me at this post not only to catch those who might otherwise fall away, but to remind me daily of my own need of constant rescuing, that this Rescue Shop is not run by men with clever ideas but by the only One who can truly rescue, redeem, give life.
Move Beyond ‘Me’
The students in my Gifted and Talented program had just spent about fifteen minutes working on their list of 10-15 personal goals they have for their life when I then wrote the second part of the writing assignment on the oversized whiteboard:
Write 10 goals/purposes/desires that God has for your life.
I began to tell a story. “When I was about 20 years old and I was a student in the university – I wasn’t yet a teacher or a mom, hadn’t moved to Honduras yet, just a young student taking classes – I met with my mentor one afternoon to discuss and discern the direction my life would take. She had me write down a list of personal goals – just like what I just had you do.”
A couple students seemed suddenly bored, probably thinking This is a ‘be-all-you-can-be’ lecture, a ‘reach-for-the-stars’ encouragement speech. Heard it.
I continued, praying that something that I was about to say would penetrate beyond their rising and falling mental activity and settle in their heart.
“Well, I wrote my list and thought it looked pretty darn good. I handed it to her, proud of my neat list of personal goals, and, upon looking on it, she said, ‘Jennifer, this is terrible!’”
The wandering eyes suddenly snapped up to mine. They looked somewhat confused, but at least now they were paying attention. “She said, ‘This list has a major problem,’ and I looked at my mentor, not sure what she meant. She then told me, ‘Jennifer, each goal you have starts with ‘I want…’ I want this. I want that. I, I, I. What does God want?”
A light sparked in a few of the kids’ eyes, and I could suddenly read their minds: Oh, maybe God doesn’t want me to be a billionaire soccer star who only drinks Coca Cola, watches television all day and never gets old…Whoops.
“My mentor’s comment that day has shaped so many of my decisions since then. It’s not bad to want certain things, to have personal desires – God’s word says that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will fulfill the desires of our heart! – but we need to move beyond our own desires to ask the more important question of: What does God want from me?”
Now they were listening. Thank you, Father. I continued pacing, as much to keep up my adrenaline levels after not having slept well the night before as to capture these pre-teens’ short attention spans.
“Kids, the whole world is stuck on this question.” I point, using the dry erase marker in my hand to indicate the first question. “But it’s a trick. If I only look for what I like and what I want and what pleases me, we all know where I will end. A life filled with me, me, me ends in destruction.”
“And the good news is that if we move beyond the first question and begin the fervent and life-long search of God’s intended purposes in and through us, it’s much more fulfilling, and it leads us into abundant and eternal life!”
“If this question seems extremely difficult to you, I understand. It would have been for me, too, when I was your age. In fourth grade my life goals included owning a pet shop with a giant open-dog’s mouth built on the front where the shoppers would come and go. But don’t give up in the search! God’s will for us isn’t discerned one time in a wacky school assignment; keep discerning it everyday – next week, when you are in high school, when you’re thirty years old, when you can no longer walk!”
After encouraging the kids along in the task, I later read their responses. A ten-year-old girl wrote of the goals she senses that God has for her life:
- Help the sick
- Give food to people who live in the street
- Pray a lot
- Help handicapped people
- Not love money
- Be a doctor
- Not be racist
- Not be a liar
- Love everyone like I love myself
- Not steal
A fourteen-year-old girl answered the same question:
- Well, I believe that my purpose will be to sing and show through the music God’s love
- Be a mom to teenagers and children who need support
- Teach music or something else
- Have my own children and guide them on the correct path
- Be a counselor to people who need support
- Be a writer of encouragement for teenagers
- Listen to people’s stories who have suffered in this life…
An eleven-year-old boy wrote the following:
- Preach His Word to the whole world
- Help the needy
- Never be proud
- Do what is just
- Obey my parents
- Have a clean marriage
- Be faithful to Him and to my wife…
A ten-year-old boy:
…To not think that what I have is mine, To be humble, To know Who created me…
That’s Why We Don’t Have Television.
Recently we had a very special visit from a dear friend of mine and her husband, Ben and Kailin Craft. Our friendship dates back to the playground in first grade, and although we have not been close since middle school, the Lord has brought us back together during this season to encourage one another along His Way.
At our home we don’t typically receive many visitors, but when we do it is always a blessing to see how everyone gets involved to prep the guest room, decorate big posters, put together flower arrangements, and pray for those on their way to visit us. Below are several photos that were taken during their stay…
Me: “No! I don’t want to take family photos right now – we just came back from the river and we’re all sweaty and dirty! I need a shower, and Josue’s not wearing a shirt!”
Kailin: “But this is real life!”
“Kailin, have you already given your life to Christ?” – Jackeline, age 11
“So if Kailin and Ben are leaving tomorrow, I guess that means you weren’t able to convince them to stay.” – Gleny, age 10
Me: “Not yet, but we’ll keep praying.”
“I’m not ready to get married – I mean, I don’t even know how to wash the clothes!” – Jackeline, age 11
“Ben’s mom has a pet bird.”
The kids: “That’s so cruel. Birds should be free.”
Jackeline, age 11: “Why can’t you two just stay here forever?”
Kailin, “Well, we have a home and jobs to return to.”
Jackeline: “You have a home and jobs?!”
Kailin: “Jason, if you move the tadpole to a different part of the river, don’t you think he’ll miss his family?”
Jason, age 7: “No. At this age they can still move houses.”
Jackeline, age 11, to Kailin and Ben, who were preparing dinner: “Can you also make a salad?”
Kailin and Ben: “Well, I think with the pasta we have enough food for everyone.”
Jackeline: “Yeah, but it has chemicals.”
Ben: “Josue [the 6-year-old special needs boy] is the great teacher at the Living Waters Ranch.”
Kailin: “Good thing the kids don’t know that Ben is a chemical engineer, or they would get really upset [because Darwin has trained the kids to be big on organic farming].”
Me: “They just think he’s a regular engineer.”
Ben: “There’s no such thing.”
Me: “For us there is.”
The kids: “What did you and our mom do when you were little?”
Kailin, “Well, your mom was crazy…”
Ben: “I think it’s pretty cool that these kids are astounded when they hear that they were created by God and that he intends for us to be His light in this world, because in America we’ve heard it so many times that we oftentimes forget or lose the true meaning.”
Darwin: “The marriage relationship between man and woman is exquisite and precious, and that is the relationship God desires with each one of us.”
Kailin: “Ok, kids! We’re going to play a new game: lay down, and whoever falls asleep first, wins!”
[Looking out at the kids as they put on a broom-balancing, bow-and-arrow-shooting circus show in our front yard after lunch one day]: “That’s why we don’t have television.”
- (Juggling eggs)
Me: “Now we don’t have to buy cheese or milk because our cow gave birth and Darwin milks her every morning at 4:00am.”
Me: “Ok, to start basketball practice you will do 53 laps up and down the stairs…”
The girls: “What?!”
Me: “…Minus 48. Go!”
Gleny, age 10, exasperated as she hops into our truck after school, “Ugh, Mom, the kids in my class make me so mad!”
Me: “Uh-oh. What happened?”
Gleny: “They all love money! They’re like ‘Oh, when I’m big I want to make a lot of money and buy all this nice stuff’ and I told them, ‘It’s not about the money!’ and they just kept talking about how they want a big house and stuff, and I said, ‘What about God?! He’s the one who provides!’”
Me, laughing as my heart swelled with gratitude toward God for the character He is forming within this little woman: “Oh, the voice of justice crying out in the fourth grade classroom…”
Notable Kids’ Goals
The following are the written personal goals of several of the students in my Gifted and Talented Program…
An 11-year-old boy:
- Go to one of the best universities to teach
- Discover cures for mortal diseases
- Be able to join the Air Force
- Stop delinquency and make the world a better place
- Discover the significance of planets’ deaths
- To be able to express my darkest feelings and secrets
- Go to the United States and be part of NASA
- Investigate the crashes of planes that are now lost at sea
- Discover if there is life on other planets
- Never give up in the pursuit of reaching my goals
A 12-year-old girl:
- Evangelize people (principally those in prison)
- Be better each day
- Be a teacher
- Be a protector of animals
- Be a protector of children who need it
- Help others
- Go and donate things to the needy
- Be a doctor
- Be a veterinarian
- Always pray for others
A 9-year-old boy:
- Be happy
- Be an actor
- Keep living in God’s hands
- Walk the Red Carpet
- Have children
- Travel the whole world
- Meet Ariana Grande (a singer)
- Raise the name of my country (Honduras)
- Have a clean heart that the Lord can enter
- Be happy with my wife
- Die and know the Kingdom of Heaven
An 11-year-old boy:
- As my first and most important goal, never separate from God’s path
- Never fall in adultery when I am big. Obvious.
- Study to be more intelligent
- Have a job that I really like and that pays me well
- Marry the woman God has for me
- Learn to play soccer like the best in the world
- Study at a good university
- Have the house of my dreams
- That my best friends may go on the good path
- That my children may be children of God and always serve Him
- Have a long life
- That God may every day give me more wisdom
- That I may never have financial problems
- When I grow, to be able to help my parents financially
- Always be healthy and my parents also and brothers
A 14-year-old girl:
- Marry, have children or adopt children who need a father and mother
- Go to Italy and study music, meeting new friends and maybe my future husband
- Write my own story going back as far as I can remember
- Speak of God and show His love and what He did for me during my childhood
- Write my own music…
Notable Kids’ Quotes on Faith, Life and Family
Jason, age 7, as I tucked him into bed one night and lovingly broke it to him that his glow wand would probably only last about a day before the synthetic light inside dies out: “Yeah, the things of this world just don’t last like the things of God.”
“When was the study of science created, and by whom? The study of mathematics?” – Diana, age 14
Jason’s written prayer for his future wife: “God, protect my future wife from evil. God, protect my future wife from the Devil’s lies. Protect my future wife from robberies. God, I ask you that she has good health wherever she is. God, protect my future wife so that she doesn’t focus only on outside beauty.”
Jason as we hop in our truck at 5:45am to go to school, and the windshield wipers clean away a thick, dark fog that had settled over the windshield in the night, revealing the dim morning light: “Look! It’s like something from God’s kingdom – first there was darkness, and now there is light.”
Me in response to Diana, age 14, after she shared with me how bothered she is with several of the students in one of her music classes who slack off and don’t pay attention even though their parents are paying for them to be there: “Well, I can tell you one thing. Their laziness may serve them now, but long-term –”
Diana: “You reap what you sow.”
Me: “Exactly.”
Gleny, age 10: “But, Mom, if I have the door shut while I’m in timeout I’ll feel without freedom.”
Me [Laughing]: “Of course you will! You’ve lost it!”
Part of Gleny’s written prayer for her future husband: “God, give [my future husband] strength and life so that he loves You. God, give him strength to not give up in what he does for You.”
Gleny, age 10, speaking in a very serious, even tone: “Mom, I need to talk with you in private.”
Me: “Oh, okay. What’s going on?”
Gleny: “Look, it was okay that you used to call me Little Gleny when I was smaller, but, well, I’m getting bigger. Now it’s just Gleny. No ‘little.’ Oh, and only the adults are allowed to call me ‘Wild Gleny.’ I don’t like when the other kids call me that.”
Diana, age 14, to me: “I’m frustrated because lately whenever there are problems with Josue or conflicts between us girls, all you say is ‘We’re learning.’”
Me [Laughing]: “Because we are!”
Diana, age 14, reflecting on the arrival of the 6-year-old special needs boy to our family who the first day upon arriving opened the shower curtain while Diana was showering and later snuck into her room and ripped up some of her cards: “When Josue came, I thought I just can’t put up with this kid, but after getting to know him, he’s stolen my heart.”
Gleny, age 10, in a written school assignment: “My dad loves my mom because Jesus died for us.”
Look Inside.
The week after I presented my students with the writing prompt about problems in our world that make them mad, I caught them all flat-footed by flipping the question.
With my back to my students, I began to scribble excitedly with large letters on the white board at the front of our furnitureless classroom:
What are some problems (sins) inside of you that make you mad? Why?
Then I stepped away from the board, revealing the day’s writing prompt. Several of the kids immediately had pressing questions and doubts, as if their minds just couldn’t wrap around what I was asking of them. I laughed — we humans! — and began to explain in greater detail the fact that whatever evil exists in the world — all of the liars, the kids who bully, the people who ignore the poor, those who wage war — also exists within each one of us.
“Last week as I read and re-read your journal entries, many of you went on tirades against your classmates who make fun of you. And you? Have you ever made fun of others?” I looked out at about a dozen blank faces while one or two of the more mature students laughed along with me, already understanding where I was leading them.
“You said that one of the problems in our world is that people lie. Do you lie, or is it just everyone else?” I swept my eyes across the semi-circle of students before me, surprised by the fact that their fixed expression of utter confusion remained painted on their faces, so I continued.
“You angels! Ok, well maybe we don’t need to touch this topic, because it seems like it’s just everyone else out there who lies, steals, and commits sins.” Some of the students actually looked relieved, misunderstanding my good-humored sarcasm and thinking that I really was going to cancel the writing assignment.
After explaining a few more times and in several different ways that the writing prompt actually wasn’t impossible or some kind of trick question, they finally settled down and spread out all across the tile floor of our quiet upstairs room where we meet every Friday. I turned up the volume on the classical music playing from the little red CD player I brought in my teaching suitcase from home and began weaving in and around the students as they wrote, some sprawled out on their bellies to write, others sitting up comfortably against one of the walls, all munching on little candies that I deposited one-by-one on the open surface of their notebooks as the wrote.
Later that afternoon as class came to a close with rounds of chess and logic puzzles, I carried my (extremely) heavy black teaching suitcase downstairs and excitedly took out the kids’ journals, eager to see how they had responded to the prompt.
No! No. No. No. He didn’t understand. I closed the first notebook I had opened, disappointed that instead of recognizing his own sin, the student had continued his tirade about his mean classmates who bully him. It’s not about what they do. It’s about what you do. No! I thought. Maybe the next kid will understand.
I then opened the next brightly colored notebook in the large stack, quickly flipping past prior writing assignments to find today’s. My heart sunk upon reading the first sentence, and from there my eyes skimmed the rest of the page-and-a-half answer in frustration. How can we be so blind? This student, too, continued with their long list of complaints about all of the evil out there, basically repeating the same that she had written the week before about the problems in our world that make her mad.
I went through five or six journals with the same results, and my heart sank. We are so far from understanding who Christ is. We cannot accept His forgiveness until we can recognize that we need it. We are blind to our own hypocrisy, our own sin, even from childhood. Lord, help us to see.
I continued onward, almost frantically opening and closing the journals one after the other, hoping for at least one student who understood that the evil that is in the world roams in his own heart.
And then, with only a few journals remaining, I opened the journal of a new student in the program, a beautiful 10-year-old girl who rarely speaks and could be the poster child for good school behavior. My heart leapt as my eyes travelled across her answer:
“Sometimes I am a hypocrite, and sometimes I lie, and I almost always yell, and I’m mad. Sometimes I have bad feelings towards others, and I fight. Sometimes I make fun of others, and sometimes I play too rough. And sometimes I do not fulfill my promises.”
My lips let out an audible “Whoa!” in the empty school auditorium and I sat back against the wall, overcome with joy. If this little girl — who by all human standards seems ‘perfect’ — can recognize her own sin, none of us have any excuses!
I continued onward, this time with renewed hope. I then proceeded with another new student’s notebook, a 9-year-old boy. His response:
“Some of my intimate problems that I have committed are that I have lied; I have committed a lot of errors and I accept it. But I know that Jesus Christ will give me strength…Sometimes I laugh at others and that is not correct…Today I was reading the Bible and there I found the Word of God and I understood that our errors can be forgiven by the Lord so that we have eternal life. I am a human being like everyone else, but if we want eternal life we have to follow the way of our Lord Jesus Christ. And I accept all of my problems…”
I let out a long, pure laugh — a sigh of relief in joyful form. Thank you, Father.
The following notebook, a 12-year-old girl:
“Well, I lie. I am not perfect — only God. But when I lie they are ‘white lies’ (so they say), but a lie is a lie, so I repent. Another problem is that I am resentful and it is difficult for me to forgive others. When someone bothers me, I become sad and I start to think of all the wrong they have done me and say, “What a bad person he/she is; I will never speak to him/her again,” but I always end up forgiving them and that is good because as I forgive them God will forgive me. Another thing is that I lose my patience quickly…As it says in the Bible (well, Jesus), you should not judge others if we, too, have sin in us (and it is much bigger than that of other people’s.)”
I then cradled in my palms the last of all the journals, and carefully opened it. The 14-year-old author of it contents wrote:
“One of the problems that makes me mad is…Lying: When I lie to other people. It makes me furious because it is not good. Sometimes I talk about the other people who lie, but I am another one…Rebellious teenagers: this is something that pains me a lot because when I was with my biological mom I always disrespected her and became very rebellious with her…Now I have nightmares about when I disrespected my biological mom and I cry because I did not take care of her when I was with her…Perfection: It makes me mad because immediately when I begin to focus on the perfection of my beauty I forget about God, and I am slapping Him in the face. It makes me very mad when I do this, because I have not wanted to focus so much on physical beauty. May God forgive me…”
1 John 1:8-10: “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.”
What are Some Problems in Our World That Make You Mad?
“What are some problems in our world that make you mad? Why?”
That was the prompt I presented to my students a few weeks ago. Each student then dedicated twenty minutes to answering the question in their free writing notebook independently of the other kids. Some of their responses were…
“Sometimes we humans think that we’re everything, but that’s not true. Sometimes children and adults don’t have anyone who values them because the people make fun of them and don’t care what happens to them. There is a lot more…and all of this makes me mad.” – Boy, age 9
“Rebelious teenagers, because they lead others down the wrong path.” – Girl, age 12
“One of the problems that really makes me mad is abortion because it is a terrible thing to kill innocents. They were created by God.” – Girl, age 14
“Violence because it is not correct and God does not accept it, plus it makes a lot of people suffer…” – Boy, age 11
“One of my problems is that some of my classmates hit me whenever they want and they don’t respect me…It seems like the only solution is to beat them in a fight…Maybe even though it’s not the best solution it is the only one that works. I hope other solutions exist.” – Boy, age 11
“Men’s machismo towards women makes me really mad, but the question is Would they want other men to do that to their mom, sister, wife, or principally to their daughter? What men have in strength women have in brains and in love, friendship, care, affection and respect to their neighbors.” – Boy, age 10
“People that believe that when they do something bad no one sees them, but there is a Glorious Father in heaven who sees everything and everyone.” – Girl, age 12
“That they promise you something and then they never fulfill it.” – Boy, age 11
“Rape because it takes away the happiness of young women. It leaves them pregnant and they don’t know what to do.” – Girl, age 14
“The brain has limits and we cannot get as mad as we want and say what we think…our energies tire and we have to rest sooner or later…There are limits in everything and for everyone…Some deaths are brought about just for fun…I know that God wants me to cooperate in something important…No one is safe here, and that’s why I know that one day justice will be done, and that day I will be ready to help in various ways – hunger, delincuence, sickness…Everyone wonders why there cannot be peace all the time, everywhere…One day there won’t be any problems – there won’t be hunger or evil, only a paradise, and God wants us to be in that place with Him.” – Boy, age 11
“There are a lot of problems in our world. There are problems of war, hunger, bad feelings towards others, people who forget about God. Well, we all forget about God in some moment of our lives. Sometimes I ask myself: “Why is there evil in the world? Why does everything always have to be WAR in our lives and world?” It makes me very sad that there are poor people, needy, without food or shelter and without parents or relatives, or that are abused…” – Girl, age 12
[Revelation 21:4, talking about the coming kingdom of God]: “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Go Tell Her That You Love Her.
A few days ago most everyone in our household got a haircut — including myself. I stood in front of the only big-enough mirror we have, which happens to be propped up in the bathroom of our schoolhouse. Gleny and Jason perched on the counter beside and behind me, eyes wide.
“I’ve gotta see this!” They were quite impressed that I was going to cut my own hair with nothing more that a pair of scissors and damp curly hair.
As I got near the end of the 5-minute job, I held out a few strands and offered them the scissors, indicating exactly where to cut. It was a fun time.
The following day was not so fun in regards to hair and things of the sort.
Gleny asked me for a certain three-ponytail braid-style hairdo that I do for her frequently, and after executing it well, she reached behind her head, felt how short her ponytail was after I had cut it the day before, and broke down in tears. Frustrated, I said, “Look, you asked me for this hairdo and I did it. If you didn’t want it, you shouldn’t have asked me.”
She threw herself in the hammock on our porch, and shut out the world for a long while, screaming, “I don’t wanna talk right now!” Then she got up, emphatically taking the pony tails out of her hair, and storming across our large front yard like a wild woman with an unruly bob haircut and mismatched clothes.
I watched her through the window as I continued working on some project on the wooden table in our living room. Bitterness creeped into my heart as I justifiably thought, How ungrateful. She better not go crying to Jenae and ask her to re-do the hairdo I just did. I have half a mind to go over there and chew her butt.
Go tell her that you love her.
What? God’s voice whispering through my tempestuous conscience. Yes, that would be very sweet, but she doesn’t deserve that. Maybe next time, when I’m not so bothered. Why is she crying anyway? Her hair looked fine!
Go tell her that you love her.
Now.
I paced, entering our small, cave-like bathroom, searching for some reasonable excuse not to obey what I couldn’t deny was a direct order from God to my hardened heart.
I couldn’t find an excuse, so my clenched-fist will surrendered itself, falling into the bent posture that it frequently fails to maintain.
I then walked directly over to Jenae’s porch a couple hundred yards away where Gleny sat, hair tragically disheveled, legs pulled up to her chest as the wooden rocking chair supported her in her despair.
When she realized I was coming for her and not just to swing by to greet Jenae inside, she sat up uncomfortably, looking at me as if I was about to chew her butt for her extravagant display of unnecessary emotions.
If only she knew.
I got real close — a little too close for a butt-chewing — squatted down so that we were eye-level, and rested my face on my long, crossed arms atop the rocking chair’s armrest. “Gleny? I love you.”
Ok, there, God. I did it. Now I can go.
But I didn’t go. Once you take that initial step of obedience, the next step and the next seem to make more sense.
I reached out and swept her crazy bangs from her sweaty forehead. “What happened, Gleny?”
She stopped crying and we started a genuine conversation that lasted several minutes until I took her hand in mine and we both decided to get up and take a walk.
Later that night after she got out of the shower she came to me and said, “Forgive me, Mom, for complaining today and having a bad attitude.”
I smiled, by now fully in-tune with God’s will for my relationship with this little lion, and said, “Gleny, you’re allowed to be sad. You don’t have to ask forgiveness for that.”
Sex Education: Early and Ongoing
So Friday afternoon as I was cutting my seven-year-old son’s hair on our porch, he looked over at our year-old female German Shepherd dog and casually asked, “What’s happening to her right now happens to you, too, every month, right, Mom?”
Oddly enough, the question didn’t surprise me because he has asked it before, and we’ve held an open, on-going discussion about menstruation ever since.
Leaning into whatever ounce of wisdom God has granted me, I began to respond, this time with more detail than before: “Yeah, that’s right. It’s because all females – human and animal – pass through a similar process because we’re capable of producing new life. It’s not a problem and it’s not something bad. It’s because we’re female, and God has designed us to hold new life within us. Someday when you’re a little bit bigger, I’ll go into more details.”
He sat still as I continued clipping his hair into a perfect buzz cut. A few silent seconds passed by, and he seemed content with my answer but willing and eager to accept more, so I thought Why not today? and gently pressed onward.
“Well, the reason behind menstruation is that what comes out is what would have gone to feed the baby and help it grow were the woman or female animal to be pregnant. But if she’s not pregnant, her body doesn’t need the fluids to make the baby grow because there isn’t one, so her body gets rid of them.” Gleny, Jason’s ten-year-old sister who was playing nearby on the porch, began to inch over on a little four-wheel donkey toy to hear the juicy details Mom was sharing.
“For example, someday if I get pregnant, I won’t have menstruation for the nine months that the baby is growing in me, because the baby will use those fluids to grow.” With that his eyes shot upward to make eye contact with mine as if caught off guard by this new information.
“So Aunt Aracely doesn’t have menstruation right now?” He immediately made the connection between this newfound realization and the fact that a married member of our faith community is pregnant.
“Yeah, that’s right.” I began trimming over his ears as he continued sitting impressively still under my bed-sheet hair-cutting cape with a clothespin to hold it shut at the base of his neck.
“Also, your elder sister Diana already has this happen to her every month because her body is changing and she’s becoming a woman. I think mine came for the first time when I was 12 or 13. I used to get kind of grossed out or embarrassed and didn’t want to talk about it, but there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s normal.” I tried not to laugh out loud with the scissors in my hand and two pairs of eyes glued to me as my mind darted involuntarily to the first time my mom gave me the facts of life when I was nine years old. After bringing me into the know about menstruation and sex with a lot of love and wisdom, I looked at her, horrified, and asked in a shaky voice, “And you and Dad do that?” When she assured me that, yes, they did, I said, “Don’t even look at me” and shut down on the topic for several years.
I then carefully addressed the fact that some women cannot get pregnant, and that this can be a cause of great sadness. It’s no one’s fault; it’s just something that sometimes happens. Both of my listeners seemed genuinely sad, and then I added, “But God gives us many different ways to cultivate life and raise children. Some women get pregnant and raise their own biological children; others raise children that God brings to them through other circumstances.” They both seemed content, and all three of us exchanged sincere comments on the subject.
Realizing that we travelled long and far from my second-grade son’s simple question about our dog in heat, I smiled and said, “Do you have any more questions, or does all of that make pretty good sense?”
He smiled a toothy, contented grin as I squatted down in front of him, eye-level, and he said, “It makes pretty good sense.”
Sometimes Quick, Sometimes Slow
Sometimes the Lord answers our prayers quickly, other times the answer comes after we have waited patiently for quite some time. I want to thank all of you who prayed for us yesterday and let you know that this time the Lord answered your prayers and ours quite quickly!
Yesterday there was a tropical storm passing through our region, so school and other activities were canceled and all eight of us (Darwin, the five kids who live with us, our neighbor-son Brayan, and I) were at home all day. Praise God for the tropical storm that forced all of us to slow down and spend an entire day together uninterrupted! The kids prepared an elaborate vegetable soup for lunch, Darwin and I danced in the living room, we spent time working through the events of the last few weeks with one another and in prayer, a lot of hugs and loving words were exchanged, and there was a riotous tickle-fight after lunch that led Darwin laughing and screaming around our large yard as many little people chased him.
As for 7-year-old Jason, after praying for him while he slept the night before last, yesterday he woke up with an entirely different attitude. He spent the morning and afternoon in his room (part of his consequence for his poor behavior in school), and he re-did the various pages of homework that he had previously torn up, and got ahead on a couple other assignments. He surprised us all with his newfound work ethic and joy, and we pray that it continues.
The three girls and I scheduled a long overdue “women’s meeting” in the afternoon, which consisted in us sitting on the freshly-swept floor in Mom and Dad’s Bedroom to give each person the opportunity to share frustrations, joys, problems, etc, in a safe, open environment. At first no one wanted to share anything, so we began with prayer and a Bible reading, and from there a lot of things came to light — hidden bitternesses, jealousies, honest tears, sincere compliments, worries, feelings of sisterly love and more. A true women’s meeting indeed! I feel that this first intentional encounter we had yesterday was a huge leap in the right direction, and we are planning on holding similar meetings every so often to get everything out on the table and speak the truth to one another in love. At the end of our little group meeting there were about 183 prayer requests, so we joined hands, all sitting cross-legged on our tile floor, and presented ourselves to our Father. As the girls bounced out of our bedroom, there was a tangible lightness and freedom in them that beforehand could only be categorized as darkness, anger and unspoken sadness. They literally galloped out of our room after several group hugs, and they began doing crazy gymnastics on the porch, carrying one another on their shoulders and including little Josue in their wild games of joy. Yes!
On the legal front, I was able to make contact with my new lawyer yesterday, and she’s on the ball and already working on my case! She lives in the capital city of Tegucigalpa, so she has direct access to the government’s offices there and went yesterday to access my file. Please continue to pray for justice and efficiency in regards to my residency, and let us give thanks to God for this turn of events.
Last night after a dinner of peanut butter sandwiches, all eight of us piled on and around our small couch to watch a movie together, something we have not done, well, ever. During the movie we tickled one another’s feet, scratched so-and-so on the head, cuddled together, and rested in God’s love.
As the movie was getting ready to start and everyone hurried in and out of the bathroom to take turns showering, Diana — with a newfound freedom shining from her face — asked sincerely, “What do I call Brayan now that he doesn’t live with us anymore?” I answered, “He’s your brother in Christ and [a term that doesn’t translate directly in English but means ‘non-biological brother with whom you grew up’]”. With that all three of us smiled, content with the unusually large sense of family God has blessed us with.
So I don’t know if we are parents to five or parents to six, although I’m inclined to say six. I don’t know what struggles tomorrow — or even this afternoon — will bring. But I do know one thing: God is with us, and He hears us.
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever. –Psalm 136:1
Please Pray for Us
If you are a person of faith in Jesus Christ, I ask that you pray urgently for our children (and us!) during this time. This past week and half have been wrought with darkness and unforeseen struggles, and we are at the end of ourselves and no longer have many ideas of what to do.
Our seven-year-old son, Jason, passed the entrance exam to a very good local Christian school, and he entered in second grade about two weeks ago after having been in homeschool with us for a year (the Honduran school calendar begins in February). It has come to light in the past few days that he has been lying both in school and to us, got sent to the principal’s office yesterday for ripping up his homework and throwing it in the toilet, lost his only pair of school shoes, and has deliberately not been doing all of his classroom and homework assignments. We are aghast at this turn in his behavior and are at a loss of what to do after trying several disciplinary techniques, talking with him on end, etc, and last night as he lay in his top bunk sleeping Jenae, Darwin, Jason’s two biological sisters and I tip-toed in and gathered around him, gently laying hands on his little body and asking God for a miracle in his heart. We prayed for liberation from the darkness that has begun to consume him and that his light – which is Christ within him – may begin to shine once again. Please pray with us so that any spirit of laziness, of deceit, of ungratefulness may be eradicated from his life so that he may walk in light, truth and freedom. In the Honduran public schools, children have been known to be sexually abused during recess, classes can be canceled when there is a big soccer game on television, and it is not uncommon for sixth graders to barely be able to read, so this opportunity for him to study at a small, sincerely Christian school with good academics that is only a 20-minute drive from our home is an incredible blessing and we don’t want him to do to it what he did to his homework assignment yesterday.
Our eldest daughter, Diana, is having some very strong emotional and spiritual struggles with the arrival of Jackeline and Josue to our home. Adolescence can be a stormy season for anyone, and especially with all that she has been through in fourteen years. We are looking into Christian counseling for her because, although we want to be able to meet her emotional needs merely by providing a stable, loving family environment with healthy opportunities, etc, we are quickly realizing that she needs professional help. Please pray for her emotional stability, identity in Christ, and wisdom for us as her parents during this time.
Our 10-year-old daughter, Gleny, is having similar (although not as extreme) struggles as her little brother Jason in the sense that she is not valuing the opportunity to study as a fourth-grader in her new Christian school, and her behavior and laziness are quickly becoming a huge problem. Please pray for her in the same manner that I have asked you pray for Jason.
The two new arrivals (Jackeline, age 11, and Josue, age 6) are doing well. We have found a small special needs school for Josue, and we are currently in the middle of all the medical and psychological exams in order to be able to enroll him there as a student. Jackeline has entered fifth grade in our homeschool program, and is doing okay by all accounts, although I ask for prayer for her work ethic (which is currently very poor), emotional stability, and salvation.
My Honduran residency has been in process for two years now, and I just received notice that I will need to leave the country for three days before March 3 because the government is about to close my case due to my lawyer’s extremely faulty job. I have been calling my lawyer three and four times a day for weeks, and she does not answer. After a long series of phone calls yesterday with the government offices in Tegucigalpa, I was finally told that I need to change my lawyer and do a whole other process in order to get my Honduran residency, although I will likely still have to leave in March for a few days and then return to continue the exhausting legal process. Please pray that the government and my new lawyer may have mercy on my case and that the legal process may be done according to God’s standard of justice (and not Honduras’).
In the past couple weeks my cell phone has been thrown down the toilet (thanks, Josue), our days have been consumed with disciplinary procedures, sleepless nights have been spent in prayer, and joy has been squeezed out amidst trying difficulties. Thank you for taking the time to read this long, rambling list of prayer requests, and I ask that you sincerely take the time to present our children before God so that He may continue the good work He has begun in their lives.
Another angel, who had a golden censer, came and stood at the altar. He was given much incense to offer, with the prayers of all God’s people, on the golden altar in front of the throne. The smoke of the incense, together with the prayers of God’s people, went up before God from the angel’s hand. — Revelation 8:3
I Cannot Fill You.
Several nights ago — three nights after our 10-year-old fireball received two new siblings, to be exact – Gleny lay face-down in her top bunk with her face toward the wall, crying. I had seen her through the girls’ open door as I strode through the living room on some important expedition to sweep or fold laundry, so I snuck in and patted her on the back.
“Gleny, do you want to talk?”
She lifted her puffy face from her pink pillow case and spat her response in my direction: “But in private!”
I motioned with my hands for her to get up, so she pushed herself up and began to scoot lethargically toward the built-in ladder on her wooden bunkbed. I reached up and took her into my arms, her little legs wrapped around my waist and her face buried in my shoulder as I carried her to the room that is normally off-limits for the kids – Mom and Dad’s bedroom.
I sat her down beside me on our bed, and she leaned into me and began to weep harder than she had been when she was alone on her top bunk. I held her for a while before asking gently, “What happened? Is there something you want to tell me?”
Without lifting her head, she said in a one-word-runs-into-the-next type of way, “Today when we went shopping for clothes, you said that I couldn’t buy a dress because we were only shopping for Jackeline. After that I didn’t want to talk with you anymore, and that’s why I didn’t laugh very much.”
By God’s grace, I’ve got enough experience in 15 short months to already be a veteran with these types of situations. I responded, “I’m so sorry, Gleny. But you know what?”
For the first time during our whole conversation she lifted her head up, which I then placed in my hands. “I’m so proud of you that you could use your words to tell me what it is that’s bothering you. And I’m sorry that you feel so frustrated. It definitely wasn’t my intention to frustrate you.”
A glimmer of something sparked in her eyes before she folded back into my lap and continued weeping.
This little girl has a long record of screaming at adults in public, viciously telling Brayan – the other young man who moved into our family last February – to leave, making big scenes with emotional breakdowns when we have guests in the house, and allowing her mouth to get her in a whole lot of trouble, so this quiet, sincere moment reflected God’s gift of peace that He is steadily bestowing upon her stormy soul. I, too, felt like weeping, but for joy.
Without falling into the easy trap of trying to “fix” her sadness or explain her out of it, I opened my mouth and said what I felt God had given me to say: “Gleny? You know what?”
Once again, she lifted her head and allowed her eyes to bare into mine, calming down momentarily. “I cannot fill you, Gleny.”
With that she doubled over and began to sob, harder this time. I continued, knowing that she was listening. “Gleny, we could go on a ‘date’ everyday, and I could buy you 100 dresses and hug and kiss you all the time, but it still wouldn’t be enough. I cannot fill you. I’m just a person. I’m limited.”
“Gleny, only God can fill you. He is the only One who is limitless. I cannot be with you all the time, fulfill your every need. It’s impossible. But He can.” Carefully, without stating the obvious, the very thing that is probably screaming in her thoughts – that I have four other kids to care for in addition to her – I continued, “I have to spend time with Dad, too. I have to work. I have chores to do. I get tired, hungry. I’m just a person. I cannot fill you. I wish I could, but I can’t. You’ve got to look to God for that.” I felt like I was addressing not only her but also myself, for I, too, oftentimes look to other people or external situations to fill me. Oh, how many times have I wrongly become sulky and frustrated with my husband for not being able to ‘fill’ me!
A few moments later I asked, “Is there anything else you want to tell me?”
She immediately responded, “No. That’s all,” and I knew she meant it. She sat up, calming down as she looked around our small, comfy room with chipped blue paint on the walls.
Then I picked her back up, carrying her out in similar fashion as she had entered, but this time with more understanding between the two of us. I entered her room, passing by her two older sisters who sat at their wooden desk, working on a puzzle together. I glanced down at them, exchanging knowing smiles, and deposited their little sister in her top bunk to rest.
Less than an hour later we all sat around our long wooden table in the kitchen after dinner, Darwin and I laughing as we watched Jason, Josue and Gleny stage an intense battle with the long pieces of Styrofoam that had come in the box with our new fridge the day before. Gleny led the troops valiantly as Jason hunted wild animals with his Styrofoam bow and arrow to feed his family.
I felt joy surge in my chest, in awe of just how literally He does fill us, has filled me. More than once Gleny took her eyes off her imaginative play with her little brothers to look over at me and smile, and I felt like she and I understood something perhaps for the first time: He definitely does use us to meet one another’s needs, but we’re only the tools. It’s not about me, and it’s not about her. It’s about God’s glory working in and through us, filling us.
Do You Think God Can Utilize Someone Like You?
The following are some written responses from the children in my Gifted and Talented program to the question ¨Do you think God can utilize someone like you?¨
I don’t know. Only He knows because I have made a lot of mistakes. I hope He forgives me. – Boy, age 10
Yes, in a big way I want to preach the Word to children, and I want to be a good servant of God, and study a lot to be a doctor and save many lives. – Girl, age 10
I think God could use me, well everyone, because He can change people. – Girl, age 12
He is God but does not abuse His power. That is why He utilizes people for the good. – Boy, age 11
As for me, I would like for God to utilize me to teach His word to other children, Who He was and that He is our salvation. That He is the most important, and if it weren’t for Him we wouldn’t match the design He has for our life…That His word is mega important in everything. That He gives everybody the same importance – for Him, color, race and culture are not important…That He gave His life and Son to us…and we despised Him and at the same time we sin against Him and against our loved ones. – Boy, age 10
I believe that God can use my life but I still have not discovered what for. – Boy, age 11
I know that God can use me because He already is. – Girl, age 14
Maybe, if I keep growing in wisdom like Him, going to church, reading the Bible, etc. And if I keep respecting Him. – Girl, age 10
I would say so because He created us and it was Him who gave us life. – Boy, age 10
“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” – Ephesians 2:10
Fool!
I weaved in and around the kids in my Gifted and Talented program as they sat on the school’s tile floor in our quiet upstairs room where we meet every Friday, each one answering in their notebook the day’s free-writing question.
“Jesus says that if we pay attention to His teachings and put them into practice, we are wise. But He says that if we hear the teachings and do not put them into practice, we are fools. The only difference between being wise and being a fool is putting it into practice. “ Suddenly, without planning on it, I blurted out, “So many times I am a fool!”
One fourth-grade boy who is new to the program snapped his attention from his notebook up to me, eyes unusually wide, probably thinking Is the teacher really calling herself a fool?
I look down at him with a wide grin and said emphatically, “Yeah!” as if to answer his unspoken question. “Jesus says ‘Do not worry’, and yet so many times there I am, worrying about something. In those moments I’m a fool! I know very well what His teaching says, but I fail to put it into practice!” The realization of just how foolish I tend to be hit me rather unexpectedly as I stepped carefully over the legs of another student sprawled out on his stomach, elbows propping him up as he wrote with a wooden pencil in his bright yellow notebook.
“He says to cast our cares on Him because He cares for us, but so many times I don’t. What a fool I can be! Knowing God’s word is not good enough – you have to put it into practice or you’re just another fool!”
Today’s prompt for the allotted free-writing time was: Jesus says that we are to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. What do you think of that? Do you have enemies or people that persecute you, make fun of you, or treat you poorly? How can you put into practice Jesus’ words to love your enemies?
By now I was on my soap box, talking more to my own foolish soul than any young student in particular. I walked around the extremely quiet room, bare of furniture except for an oversized dry-erase board at the front filled chaotically with the day’s schedule, different thoughts, arrows, and writing prompts. “There are a ton of people out there who know the entire bible, but don’t put anything into practice. Fools! You can go to church everyday and know every last detail about Christ, but if you don’t put it into practice, it’d be better to just stay at home and watch television.” A sixth-grade girl whom I have known for three years and attended my wedding made eye contact with me and we both laughed.
I continued my excited speech, propelled onward after remembering the saddening journal entry of a smart young girl in the program. The prior week as I sat on the school’s playground after school revising her journal entry about the injustice in the world that makes her mad, she went on a long written tirade against idolatry, writing about how outrageous it is that so many people do things against God, sprinkling her writing with various distinctly biblical terms. Unfortunately, while reading her entry, I overheard her at a nearby table ferociously back-stabbing a classmate of hers. Poor fool.
“I don’t care if you can quote the bible – good for you! Do you actually live it? It’s not enough to ‘know’ that Jesus said ‘Love your enemies’ unless you actually do it, so think about if you have enemies. Is your dad a drunkard? Did your mom abandon you? Do the kids in your class bully you? Do you have a neighbor who mistreats you? How can you love that person, or at least pray for them? Write!”
The children continued in a joyful silence as they filled a couple more pages in their journals, the contents of which I would read and re-read during the coming week, enthusiastically marking them up with ideas, comments, and Bible verses to help guide them along.
You may think I know Jesus said not to kill or steal, and I’ve definitely put that into practice. I’m a good person. But, do you lust? Do I love money? Do we become anxious about what will happen tomorrow or in 16 years? Is there anyone you have yet to forgive? Do I love my own life more than I love Christ? Who have you judged? How many times have we been disobedient to the Living God for love of our own twisted egos? Do you rush to help when you see someone in need? Is my gaze fixed more on this current world than the one to come?
According to Jesus, the only difference between being wise and being a fool is whether or not you put into practice what you know of God’s word.
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock…But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.” – Matthew 7:24,26
Hidden Treasures: Seeking the Kingdom of God in Honduras 